A Sermon by Pastor Tom Lacey . . .

discipline: how much is/isn’t enough?

Hebrews 12:7-13, Preached at Congregational Church of Boca Raton, September 13, 2009

It was the day after Christmas. A Dad was trying to take a nap, but his son kept finding ways to interrupt his siesta. Finally the father lost his patience and said, "Go to my room, and go now!" Hearing this, the boy's mom asked, "Why did you tell him to go to our room and not his?" "Are you kidding?" Dad said. "Did you see all those Christmas presents he got? In his room he has a TV, a stereo, a computer, 8 new CDS, 3 new CD-ROM games. If we want to punish him, we have to send him to our room."

On the one hand, parenting today is a more complex affair. On the other hand, sometimes we make it more complicated than it has to be. Like this:

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Now this may seem like overkill; and it probably is. Today’s parents seem to need a lot of help. Why not just keep it simple? Let’s just go old school. I think you know what I mean.

In a Miami criminal court, prosecutors dropped a child abuse case against a man named Loscar Rodriguez, a father, who decided that a good belt lashing would teach his 8 year old son to get better grades.  Did the boy get better grades?  Not sure, but he did get raised welts on his leg and backside, bruises big and purple enough to alarm a teacher, and a butt that hurt him to sit upon. Prosecutors cited case law that helped them decide the belt-wielding, lash-giving Rodriguez is not a child abuser under the law.  Turns out, in cases past, Florida appellate judges have opined “even significant bruises or welts from paddling” is discipline, not abuse; that “a strike on the face, a split lip, forced feeding” is–you guessed it–discipline, not abuse. After all he has gone through, Loscar Rodriguez, the father, says he no longer spanks or lashes his son.

Three years after Shawn Fraser landed in court for paddling his unruly son 36 times, the Minnesota Supreme Court has ruled that spanking a child isn't necessarily abuse. In a unanimous decision released Friday, the court declined to adopt a "bright-line rule that the infliction of any pain constitutes either physical injury or physical abuse, because to do so would effectively prohibit all corporal punishment of children by their parents." And the state, wrote Justice Alan Page, "did not intend to ban corporal punishment." Shawn Fraser found himself in the midst of controversy in 2005 when he tried to curb the behavior of his son Gerard, who was then 12 and weighed 195 pounds. When other discipline failed to work, he took a wooden paddle -- in 12-blow increments -- to his son's upper thighs. The spanking followed an incident in which Gerard ran away from home and lied about his whereabouts. The boy called authorities after the paddling. The Hennepin County District Court determined Gerard and his younger brother, Caleb, needed protective services, but the Court of Appeals reversed that ruling, determining the parents weren't physically abusive. The Supreme Court's decision affirmed the Court of Appeals. "We're elated," said Natalie Fraser, Shawn Fraser's wife. Shawn Fraser could not be reached for comment. As a condition of keeping the boys during the appeals, their father agreed not to spank them, said Jill Clark, who represented Natalie Fraser. On Friday, Gerard Fraser, now 15, said he's glad the case is settled, because it was stressful for his family. "They didn't, like, abuse us or anything," Gerard said. "I was a really bad kid." Gerard said he doesn't get into much trouble anymore but if he and his brother, now 14, misbehave, their father withholds their allowances or revokes other privileges. Now that’s old school, but sometimes old school isn’t the best type of education.

What I find interesting is that in both these cases the alternative to corporal punishment became the norm. If you end up having to change your method because it didn’t work, made things worse, or hurt your child, then the method was the wrong one in the first place. Corporal or physical punishment is a losing battle. Parents simply have to hope that their child will be defeated enough by the physical pain and emotional shame that they will give in. What will a dad do when a child who after being spanked dozens of times, whipped with a belt and received other blows, refuses to accommodate? The parent has become powerless, without moral or physical authority, and relationally bankrupt. Discipline is not a physical process. Discipline is a relational one.

In our scripture, we hear the Preacher declare, “if you do not have that discipline in which all children share (from God), then you are illegitimate and not his children.” All children, including God’s children, require a disciplining, a correction. Hebrews, gives us three reasons why God’s correction is a good thing. First, it is a sure sign that we are truly God’s children. The only children who are undisciplined are those who are unloved and abandoned. Second, we can recognize God’s pattern from our own family upbringing. As children we were rarely enthusiastic about parental control, but looking back we recognize it was in our best interests. And third, the benefits of God’s discipline is worth the cost. The result of God’s discipline is that we “share the holiness” and taste the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Why do good parents (including God) discipline their children? The answer is because they want their children to grow up to be like them, to share their values, commitments and way of life. Nothing touches a mother who loves to garden like seeing one of her own in the backyard digging in the soil “just like my mommy.” As a parent, God is the same way. We are disciplined so what we will grow up to be like God, to love what God loves. Also, good parents discipline their children because they want them to grow up to have a life of meaning and joy; and wise parents know that what looks attractive to a child may not be good in the long run, and conversely, what looks unappealing to a child may be just what she or he needs. Our rules and guides help them grow in the right direction; and of course when they refuse to grow in that direction, what’s good for them or to stay away from what we believe will harm them, than insistence in the form of punishment or discipline ought to be utilized.

Of course, the question is how much discipline is the right amount? The answers have varied. The American Medical Association, (1985) said: "Infliction of pain or discomfort, however minor, is not a desirable method of communicating with children." And then there is Proverbs 23:14, “If you beat them with the rod, you will save their lives from Sheol.” Quintilian wrote, "I disapprove of flogging, although it is the regular custom... because in the first place it is a disgraceful form of punishment and fit only for slaves, and is in any case an insult, as you will realize if you imagine its infliction at a later age. Secondly if a boy is so insensible to instruction that reproof is useless, he will, like the worst type of slave, merely become hardened to blows... And though you may compel a child with blows, what are you to do with him when he is a young man no longer amenable to such threats and confronted with tasks of far greater difficulty? Moreover when children are beaten, pain or fear frequently have results of which it is not pleasant to speak and which are likely subsequently to be a source of shame, a shame which unnerves and depresses the mind and leads the child to shun and loathe the light....I will not linger on this subject; it is more than enough if I have made my meaning clear. I will content myself with saying that children are helpless and easily victimized, and that therefore no one should be given unlimited power over them." Now that’s what you call progressive. Interesting, as a comparison, Alvin Poussaint, M.D., Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School wrote of the same effect corporal punishment has on children as did Quintilian 2000 years earlier, and without the help of scientific research. “Researchers have also found that children who are spanked show higher rates of aggression and delinquency in childhood than those who were not spanked. As adults, they are more prone to depression, feelings of alienation, use of violence toward a spouse, and lower economic and professional achievement. None of this is what we want for our children.”

Would Jesus have spanked his children, if he had children? Maybe you can see him doing that, maybe you can’t. It seems difficult to me to believe that Jesus would have had the type of relationship with his children that would have necessitated spanking or beating.

Learning how to effectively discipline your child is an important skill that all parents need to learn. Discipline has to do with teaching, and involves teaching your child right from wrong, how to respect the rights of others, which behaviors are acceptable and which are not, with a goal of helping to develop a child who feels secure and loved, is self-confident, self-disciplined and knows how to control his impulses, and who does not get overly frustrated with the normal stresses of everyday life. All children are different and have different temperaments and developmental levels and a style of discipline that may work with other children may not work with yours. You should understand that how you behave when disciplining your child will help to determine how your child is going to behave or misbehave in the future. If you give in after your child repeatedly argues, becomes violent or has a temper tantrum, then he will learn to repeat this behavior because he knows you may eventually give in (even if it is only once in a while that you do give in). If you are firm and consistent then he will learn that it doesn't pay to fight doing what he is eventually going to have to do anyway. It is normal for children to test their limits, and if you are inconsistent in what these limits are, then you will be encouraging more misbehavior.

And some kids are just wilier than others, like the daughter who asked her mom, "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?" "Of course not,” mom replies. "Oh, good,” says the daughter, “’cause I haven't done my homework.”

Some thoughts on disciplining: Stay calm and do not get carried away when your child misbehaves. Avoid yelling and screaming, since this can teach your child that it is all right to lose control if you don't get your way. If you feel like things are escalating too much, then take a break until you can regain your composure. Avoid too much criticism. Make sure your child understands that it is the misbehavior that you are unhappy with and that you will always love him. Avoid too much praise. You don't need to be continuously praising your child, especially for routine activities, because it will make your comments less effective. Don't focus on negatives all of the time, especially when offering positive reinforcement. It is much better to say ‘I like that you put all of your clothes away,' instead of saying ‘I like that, for once, you finally got around to putting your clothes away without my asking.' Again, avoid physical punishment. Spanking has never been shown to be more effective than other forms of punishment and will make your child more aggressive and angry. Time out is a very effective discipline technique. Use a kitchen timer to count down your child's punishment time, which is usually one minute per year of age. Remember to give rewards and praise for good behavior. Understand the difference between rewards and bribes. A reward is something your child receives after he has done something, while a bribe is given beforehand, to try and motivate your child to do what you want. Bribes should be avoided. Be a good role model. Most importantly, provide your child with a safe environment in which he feels secure and loved.

When it is all said and done, we need to remember that children love their parents. So don’t be defensive when you are exerting your will. They will still love you. Don’t let in in order to appease their hurt feelings. They will still love you. And don’t overdo harsh actions. Because no matter how bad they are messing up, they still want to show you how much they love you.

Relationships make children listen, even when they have a tough time hearing us.

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