A Sermon by Pastor Tom Lacey . . .

Parenting Old school style

Deuteronomy 11:18-21, Preached at Congregational Church of Boca Raton, August 22, 2010

Sarah was doing very badly in math. Her parents had tried everything; tutors, flashcards, special learning centers ... in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they enrolled her in the local Catholic School. After the first day, Sarah comes home with a very serious look on her face. She doesn't kiss her mother hello. Instead, she goes straight to her room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and Sarah is hard at work. Her mother is amazed. She calls her down to dinner and to her shock, the minute she is done she marches back to her room without a word. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, Sarah brings home her report card. She quietly lays it on the table and goes up to her room. Her mom looks at it and sees an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to her room, "Dear, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Sarah looks at her and shakes her head. "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, what was it?" She looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Now that summer is over, children go back to school, and parents go back to parenting; unless of course your child is too young, and then you’re always parenting, or your child is too old, and I hope you’re still not parenting. Some parents think it’s tougher on them in the summer when the kids are around a lot more; but when school gets back in session, bedtime really has to mean bedtime, and doing homework means the kids really do have to stop playing video games and/or watching TV. Now is the time when parents have to tune in more.

It seems each generation beieves its time is the most difficult in which to be a mom or dad. Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. For sure, it’s never exactly easy, and perhaps it’s never quite as hard as we lead ourselves to believe. With this being the first of our two in a row Sunday school kick-off Sundays I’d like to talk a bit about parenting. On vacation, I was reading a book in which a portion of old Cotton Mather writings was found. It’s OK if you don’t know who he was. He’s long dead. Born in 1663, died 1728, he was the most famous Puritan or Congregational minister of his day. He was Boston-born and pastor at Old North Church for forty years, the same church whose tower Paul Revere would later use to look for the signal for whether the British were coming by sea or by land. Mather was a really smart, good guy, working for improved jail conditions, adequate and guaranteed schooling for children, and the religious education (and eventual emancipation) of slaves. He was evidently a most affectionate parent, but of his fifteen children only two survived him. His first two wives died, and the third went insane. You might say he knew a lot about love, loss, trust, and responsibility. He wrote a lot of stuff. He wrote about what it was to be a good parent.

Now you might doubt that he has anything to say to us today. You might doubt that he could know what you are going through, or have gone through, or what your children are going through. What’s interesting, however, having read his essay on good parenting, is that really nothing has changed. What he says would work back then, would still work today. In fact, it would more than work. Using him as guide, our children would grow up to become wonderful, smart, happy, knowledgeable, moral, kind, Christian people.

Look, I can go back even further than Rev. Mather for that matter, a heck of a lot further, some 2700 years ago, and tell you the same thing. The basic truth about parenting hasn’t changed. You heard it in our short scripture passage from about 700 BCE: "You shall put these words of mine in your heart and soul, and you shall bind them as an emblem on your forehead. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates...."

First, parents need to know the right stuff, live the right way, and be identified by this right stuff. Second, we need to teach our children the right stuff at home, away from home, in the morning and at night, wherever and whenever teachable moments happen. Third, we are to surround our family in an environment of the good stuff, from the outside of our property to our doorway so that when our children pass into our homes, they know what they are to know, they do what they are to do, they are who they are to be.

Here is the principle, the basic truth, about parenting and children that has never changed: if children aren’t learning the right stuff by parents teaching them the right way, by being surrounded by the good things, then children are learning something else…because children learn. The basic fact of parenting is the basic fact about children: Children learn. That is who they are; that is what they do; that is the goal of their being children. If they don’t learn this, then they learn that. If they don’t learn good, then they learn something else. That is what children do because that is who all children are. They are learners, plain and simple.

I remember when we invaded the tiny island of Grenada in 1983. I was a freshman at college. A lot of students gathered at the Pentacrest to show support for or criticize the invasion. As I entered the Pentacrest area, another student held to me out a sign that I agreed with, so I took it, held it up by its pole or stick and walked into the large, gathering group. Other people also held up signs expressing support or criticism. The next day in the university newspaper, there I was on the front page in a picture holding up my sign, which read, “Reagan Defends Freedom.” Also in the picture was the guy standing next to me, who I guess had hastily constructed his own sign when he saw mine, because it read, “For Rich, White Men.” Together the picture captured us, side by side, saying, “Reagan defends freedom…for rich white men.” Actually I never knew that the guy was standing next to me.

I bring this up because to be perfectly honest back then I could never have told you why I believed President Reagan defended freedom in this case. I simply held this view because my parents leaned this way politically, because by osmosis, my parents, never being outwardly political, had taught me this. Children learn. As adults, however, we may or may not keep to our parents’ viewpoint—that’s all I’m going to say about that.

I like what John Wilmot said about parenting: “Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.” While we may not have any theories this morning, there are three basic styles of parenting: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative.

Authoritarian parents always try to be in control and exert their control on the children. These parents set strict rules to try to keep order, and they usually do this without much expression of warmth and affection. They attempt to set strict standards of conduct and are usually very critical of children for not meeting those standards. They tell children what to do, they try to make them obey and they usually do not provide children with choices or options. Authoritarian parents don't explain why they want their children to do things. If a child questions a rule or command, the parent routinely answers, "Because I said so." Parents tend to focus on bad behavior, rather than positive behavior, and children are scolded or punished, often harshly, for not following the rules. Children with authoritarian parents usually do not learn to think for themselves and understand why the parent is requiring certain behaviors.

Permissive parents give up most control to their children. Parents make few, if any, rules, and the rules that they make are usually not consistently enforced. They want their children to feel free. They do not set clear boundaries or expectations for their children's behavior and tend to accept in a warm and loving way, however the child behaves. Permissive parents give children as many choices as possible, even when the child is not capable of making good choices. They tend to accept a child's behavior, good or bad, and make no comment about whether it is beneficial or not. They may feel unable to change misbehavior, or they choose not to get involved. Children growing up in this household tend to have difficulty in making the better choice, and may feel lost in a sea of possibilities but without direction.

Democratic or authoritative parents help children learn to be responsible for themselves and to think about the consequences of their behavior. Parents do this by providing clear, reasonable expectations for their children and explanations for why they expect their children to behave in a particular manner. They monitor their children's behavior to make sure that they follow through on rules and expectations. They do this in a warm and loving manner. For example, a child who leaves her toys on a staircase may be told not to do this because, "Someone could trip on them and get hurt and the toy might be damaged." They often "try to catch their children being good" and reinforcing the good behavior, rather than focusing on the bad. As children mature, parents involve children in making rules and doing chores: "Who will mop the kitchen floor, and who will carry out the trash?" Children with authoritative parents tend to believe in their abilities and are able to put choices and consequences in perspective.

Now no family lives purely and continually within only one of these three perspectives, and each parent, if their happen to be two parents, may lean toward a different style from the other. And the truth is, one child may need a little bit more of one style than the other; another a little bit more than another, like little Johnny. One day, little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mom. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked little Johnny. "Giving up?" Now where did he learn that from is my question. As parents we want to grow into becoming authoritative, not authoritarian or permissive, parents.

In his Essay upon the Good, the good Puritan Reverend Cotton Mather wrote, “Oh! how much you (parents) ought to be continually devising, and even travailing, for the good of your children. Often devise: how to make them wise children; how to carry on a desirable education for them…. Often devise, how to enrich their minds with valuable knowledge; how to instill generous, and gracious, and heavenly principles into their minds; how to restrain and rescue them from the paths of the Destroyer…. There is a world of good, that you have to do for them.” In effect, he is saying we are their primary teachers, even if they go to school, we ought to help them understand their homework, help them understand their world. Mather goes on to say that we should pray daily and fervently for our children, mentioning them by name before the Lord, asking God to bestow all “suitable blessings” on them. We are not just their primary teachers but the primary force for God to be in their lives, and for good to be in their hearts. He says we ought to help our children be caring for others, even or especially for those who are in real need, writing “I will give them now and then a piece of money, for them with their own little hands to dispense unto the poor.” Whether we would do that precisely today is not the point; what is the point is that we ought to teach our children to view with concern and care the homeless, the hungry, the needy, and to be willing to do something for them.

The principle at work here and in all that Mather says is again the simple fact of childhood: Children learn by what we teach them. They also do not learn what we do not teach them.

So teach them to love God, to love learning, to do unto others as they would want done to them; teach them to pray, to sing, to believe; teach them to respect you, to respect others, to respect themselves; teach them how good it is to laugh, to have friends, to eat well, including vegetables; teach them to do their homework, make their bed, to help around the house; teach them the value of hard work, the value of family closeness, the value of reading, the value of playing; teach them to care for their siblings, for doing well and doing good, for family members, friends, those in need; teach them to believe in themselves, in how far they can go in life, what they can achieve if they try; teach them to be independent but not angry, to play it safe but rise to challenges, to look out for themselves but feel and do for others; teach them to open the bible, to recognize their conscience, to listen to God, to follow their heart, to believe in their soul, to love the Lord Jesus their Lord and Savior.   

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